A Christmas Thread

All I want for Christmas is my two front tires. 

Or, how the Grinch stole Hoosers

I have been a good boy this year. I have been spending more time with my Family, I have been helping out my wife around the house. I have even gone the extra mile & helped out customers, & my co-workers. I even took a Vacation Day today to go to my Daughters School Play. All I want for Christmas is a set of Kumho Race Tires. Just put them under the Christmas Tree on Christmas morning. I would also like to get them Heat Cycled if possible, But I will take them any way possible. I would like to have them before next season so I can play autocross with my friends.

I will leave milk and cookies for you by the fireplace, Or anything else you may like.

Dennis Michael Armstrong

I am considering your request, but I'm wondering if you are making a mistake! All of your autocross friends are asking for Hoosiers this year. Some of them don't even play with their perfectly good Kumhos and BFGs that they got last year anymore. I have checked your record and you have indeed been a good boy. And to be honest, we have a lot of Kumhos here in stock at the North pole. But are you sure you don't want to go with some Hoosiers? 

--Santa

I was informed by Misses Claus That the additional cost of Hoosiers would put a shortage on Reindeer Feed. & have a large impact on Christmas for the Children. I know all my friends play on Hoosiers, But I think they would let me play with them on Kumhos. After all I don't need to win, Just play along. I will get in big trouble with my mom if I play to win & neglect my HOMEWORK!!!

P.S. A renewal of North American Pylon would also be nice.

Contrary to popular myth, you don't need Hoosiers to win, especially on a Miata. Kumhos work just GREAT, and they'll last a lot longer, meaning more Reindeer Feed for you. I am a strong proponent of Reindeer Feed. I conduct Reindeer Feed testing down at the Lab. I was once a Feed Engineer, but I was promoted to Feed Lead about six months ago. It's a tough job, managing this crew of about eight. They're good on the inside, but a bit cliquish. It took a long time before they saw the light through the fog. But I stuck with it, followed my nose so to speak. I am very proud of our product, and I agree with you - tires should never interfere with Feed Consumption. 

Sincerely,

From: Hermie the Elf

Sent: Wednesday, December 06, 2000 11:19 AM

Go ahead and get the Hoosiers - the Reindeer Feed technicians down at the lab have consumed way too much during the off season. Just last week, during rooftop training exercises to prepare for the big day, both Donner and Blitzen managed to fall through the roof of the training hut. Due to this unfortunate mishap, Santa has instituted a strict diet and training regimen to be followed year-round. This regimen should save on our Reindeer Feed costs, and lower our health insurance premiums, thus freeing up funds for Hoosiers. That said, full-tread Kumhos seem to be most totally excellent for the more slippery locations, like GGF and Oakland, and for running in the rain. They also last much longer than the Hoosiers. And, you can drive on them to the events. Hoosiers appear to be faster on concrete and stickier surfaces, like 3com. At least, this has been our experience on our relatively heavy sleigh. 

Sincerely,

To: Hermie the Elf;  'Dennis & Sherry Armstrong'; Santa

As you were made well aware at our last meeting, the Donner and Blitzen debacle was supposed to remain in confidentiality, as per orders from Santa. Look, we've got a big shipment coming up on the eve of the 24th. If people start finding out we're two reindeer short, they might get nervous, and they might start asking questions. None of this makes for good publicity, especially with this rash of startup .coms appearing everywhere you turn. With our rising costs of wrapping paper, ribbon, let alone Reindeer Feed production, we'll be lucky to break even this year. If you want to keep your job, you're going to stay tight lipped about this. As of now, Donner and Blitzen are FINE, and are merely taking a sabatical this year after all their years of fine service. 

Over and out, 

Rudolph 

-----Original Message-----

I heard they were in training at a greyhound track in Florida, alternating as "bunny" for each race...

Blitzen and I both believe that we've never met you at the plant, but just to clue you in, we are definitely not on "sabbatical". Rudy is a total company stooge. I'm sure that every elf has checked their plan by now and figured out that the klausco.com IPO augured in early, and they are all under water. To make it worse, we both got the the same "not on company time" letter from the HMO. Hey, we were out there on our own time doing touch and goes so deserving kids like Dennis can get tires. If Rudy, who has his own marketing and music deals on the side, wants to get his harness all in a bunch, he can gripe about plant maintenance. Did you really think after "all these years" we can't land in our sleep?

Don

I see you'll never change, Donner. I want you to know that thanks to your reindeer games, we're incredibly understaffed for Dec. 24th's shipment. Yes, it is true: our facilities aren't maintained as well as they should, but you can blame that on our booming economy and low unemployment. It's tough to find blue collar workers willing to do the maintenance work. That's why we're stuck with Hermie, the Associate Elf. We can't even afford your housing, as we could in years past, which is why you're all cramped in that one tiny stall. We're in a crunch right now. That is why it says very clearly in the Reindeer Handbook, "No Touch and Gos on the Klausco Plant." You were given due warning. You have been incredibly naughty and not very nice.

-Rudolph

Wake up and smell the tundra, Rudy! Guess who took the corporate sleigh to meet with the fed-ex people last week? Do I have to draw you a flight plan?

Just 6 months ago you were a lowly nothing, bottom reindeer on the totem pole. You would beg the other reindeers to play in their games - when they wouldn't let you, us elves would take time out from our busy schedule to play with you. Even if it meant working an additional 4 hours to make our toy quotas, we would still take the time to make a piddly little reindeer happy. Then, you got your promotion, and everything changed. All of a sudden you were too good to associate with elves. You've been treating us as your lackeys, and this must stop. I've contacted our union representative, and unless we are treated with the respect we deserve, the elves are going out on strike. Please relay this to the rest of the corrupt capitalist upper management running dogs that you associate with.

Hermie the Elf

P.S. - if you don't lay off, I'll release the REAL story of how you got your nose to glow. I'm pretty sure that puts you in the "Naughty" category. Along with Mrs. Claus...

> I heard they were in training at a greyhound track in Florida, alternating  as "bunny" for each race...

> > >I am a strong proponent of Reindeer Feed. I conduct Reindeer Feed testing

Not to mention that the heftier they are, the better for the venison jerky, and venison chorizo that could feed Santa and the elves.

Would you put a lid on your evil half-brother? Please tell me he's still in prison.

From what I hear, Santa has hired him to trim operations, in an attempt to get Klausco back into the black. He's the one spearheading the negotiations with FedEx. I've also heard that Santa has a big meat grinder on order...

Hermie the Elf

I got out after I gave some of the aforementioned foods to the parole board members, they liked it so much they set me up with a complete store so they could do their shopping in total confidence.

Hermies halfbrother,(once dis-owned)

> Nope - he was released for good behavior last month. More like good cookin'

>From what I hear, Santa has hired him to trim operations, in an attempt

>to get Klausco back into the black. Yeah, trim operations in the butcher shop.

> He's the one spearheading the negotiations with FedEx. I'm also talking to Emery Express.

>I've also heard that Santa has a big meat grinder on order...

I think I have that covered.

The disowned jailbird halfbrother

This sounds like MUTINY! Come Donner! Come Blitzen! Donner, where are you?! Why are you silent?!

Rudolph

Can you believe it was exactly two years ago that Dennis Armstrong made the mistake of asking for tires for Christmas? The following transcripts are from this never-to-be-forgotten moment of spontaneous creativity. It's a long tail, but it really is a story, with a whole plot and everything, none of it even planned. It just happened. Apologies to those who've read this or find this too long.

-Katie

Yes Santa did deliver that year. I am just so glad that Katie kept a copy of this. To me it's a classic. It was amazing how many people got involved. And how it got more & more twisted. I love it.